At just under four months in the pregnancy, what was supposed to be a routine visit to our midwife today turned everything upside down. I feel numb right now, kinda dead to external input. After tomorrow morning, the pregnancy will be terminated. At four months in, it's a big blow to have everything come to a screeching halt like this.

The doctor said it's a molar pregnancy, which means a baby did not form. The weird thing is that the mother's body marches along just like it would for a normal pregnancy. The only way to identify a molar pregnancy is through an ultrasound, and we did the first one today. Hence the bad news.

I left the hospital at some point to pick some things up from the store (snacks, and the latest issue of People magazine for Jana to read). As I walked around the store, I found myself really sad and annoyed that other people could be enjoying themselves today. There were a few people just talking in the grocery store aisles, having a lighthearted conversation, but all I could think about was the bad news we received today.

We'll definitely try again, and all of the information sources say we won't be considered a high-risk pregnancy in the future, so that's a bit of good news. This is just one of those things that happens. It's tough, for sure, but what can you do? Somehow, we'll get through it and move on. I joked with Jana earlier tonight, "one day we'll look back on this day and laugh", poking fun at the expression people so often use to lighten up a difficult situation. She immediately caught my sarchasm, and came back with something else silly to lighten the mood a little more. But there's no hiding the heaviness of the situation. It's important for us to keep each other's spirits up, and try to distract each other a little bit. At least until we can get used to the sudden change in our life plans. After a molar pregnancy, we need to wait a full twelve months before we can start trying again, so that's definitely a blow to our plans and expectations for the future. For now, we've got nothing but time.

All of our friends and family have been so supportive and understanding, which is really touching and comforting. I keep finding myself bouncing between feeling fine and feeling extremely upset. I guess that's normal in this kind of situation, but it definitely doesn't feel normal to me. I can't think of anything else in my life that was as big of a blow as this. Oh well, I'm not gonna try to fight it. I'm thankful that we're getting such strong support from everyone while we get through this.