I'm typing this from a popular coffee house in Austin, Texas. I often work (like, "full-time employment" type work) from coffee houses. I try to avoid going to the same place a whole lot, just so I won't get tired of it. But I have reached my saturation point for Spiderhouse, and I am not coming back. Ever. Why? Keep reading, and I'll tell you.

Shitty tables and sucky chairs

This place is filled with mismatched, broken, and wobbly chairs and tables. Most of the seating is not padded, and the few padded seats have big holes with gross, nasty duct tape peeling off, ready to stick to your butt when you sit down. And the outside seating is the same - junky, messed up tables that they probably bought at a flea market.

Listening to bad music is not cool

Spiderhouse seems particularly affected by crap music choices. Now, I know musical taste is highly subjective and runs all across the board, so here's the criteria for good coffee house music: people are listening to it, not wearing headphones, and the music creates some kind of pleasant/interesting/etc atmosphere.

But I often see other patrons wearing headphones, clearly not listening to the garbage being played over the stereo system. And as far as creating an atmosphere, the only vibe I've ever picked up is "pissed off". They play a lot of angry music here. Loud, obnoxious music that you'd expect to hear from a crappy, no-name band of wannabes, playing in some shitty dive on the wrong side of town.

Damn, the music here sucks...

Coffee house dorks are completely and totally posing as poor people

It is both odd and just plain dumb that fashion has "progressed" or "evolved" to the point where it's cool to dress like you're homeless. Furthermore, as someone who grew up shopping at thrift stores out of financial necessity, it's mildly offensive to see people voluntarily dressing like they can't afford anything better. Are they really poor? Who knows... Maybe they don't have the money to shop for clothing that is less than 20 years old and has had fewer than 5 owners.

But then you notice the fancy laptop computers... the iPods... the fact that they're in a freaking coffee house spending money on coffee and snacks in a way that would completely insult anyone who was really poor. If you were poor, you would rarely (ever?) be able to justify spending $4 on a cookie and cup of coffee. Give me a break.

(This fits pretty nicely with the shitty music though - "I am poor, I am raw, f*** you!", they seem to say.)

Summary
I've been coming here for a long time (years), and never really connected the dots until now. But today, it hit me - if you're looking for a place to get some work done, or you want to stay there for an hour or more, Spiderhouse is the wrong place.

Spiderhouse is where you should come when:
a) you enjoy sitting at a chair and table that are so junky you probably couldn't give them away for free,
b) you think awful, obnoxious, angry music is the bomb, or
c) you enjoy portraying yourself as homeless, and wish to do so amongst other homeless posers.

Note: I will refrain from further dinging Spiderhouse for their unimpressive service, both at the counter or table waiting (both are bad). I will also refrain from discussing their inability to choose an identity - coffee house? bar/beer garden? singles spot for angry punk homeless posers? How about "all of the above, and be sure to stop by next week to see the latest interior/exterior remodeling project!"