Ok, I think I've figured out the "secret" to finding out who is and isn't doping in professional cycling.

Here goes:

1. Any cyclist who wins a race (or comes close) is clearly doping. If a rider is racing clean, then basically he should lose against the rest of the field, because as we all know everyone in the pro field is doping, so whoever beats the field must clearly be doping, too. For example, Fabian Cancellara not only won the World TT Championship last fall but also just beat the entire field in the prologue TT. Clearly, he's cheating.

2. If a rider is implicated in any way, or involved (either directly or indirectly) with anything or anyone who ever has (or has not) been involved with anything that may (or may not) have been related to doping, then clearly that rider is guilty of doping. If you need examples on this point, just wait a few days and read the latest news. It seems we can't make it more than a few days without hearing of another "guilty" rider. Perhaps we should just ban the entire pro field on the grounds that at least some of them cheated, and the rest are surely friends with those guys, so they must all be guilty by association.

3. If the rider is French, he is excused from both of the above points (anyone remember Richard Virenque?).